This Disgusting Food is Pretty Much a War Crime

What a treat! I see pureed kiwi as a side to a main course of fried chicken and mussels slathered in EZ cheese! How did they know my favorite meal? And what is that third thing? A generous dollop of Elmer’s glue? I hear that goes great with shellfish and poultry. My mouth is absolutely watering.

Apparently, according to the advertisement, that’s food. For actual people. I’d click the link to learn more but I’m sincerely terrified. If this is the ‘meal’ they are using to attract customers, what does a mid-tier ‘dinner’ look like? I have only one guess: unexpected.

I chose to blur the name of the septic company that pushes this (by)product as a means to prevent kids from stumbling upon another way to infect themselves with horrific illnesses on their TikTok accounts for online clout. Don’t ever tell me I’m not a humanitarian.

This is nothing other than prison food delivered straight to your door. Hopefully it’s delivered by the police themselves, so they can deliver the prison sentence as well. I’m pretty sure the purchase of chemical weapons is still a war crime for people who make less than $750,000 per year.

The Amazon.com of fresh, delicious meals? Does that mean they have 60 million exact copies of the same meal from multiple fake storefronts while they all come from the same factory in china? Is each new flavor of their packaged STD scrapings met with millions of falsified positive reviews to drown out competing companies selling their own packaged STD scrapings? Is it’s owner planning to go to space because they already bought this planet and are looking to purchase more? Does the child labor applied to the fabrication of this demifood meet the minimal standards required from the “I’m Too Rich To Care Act” of 8790BC? I’m really not sure if this is the kind of company I should be supporting if they aren’t clear on their child labor fetishes.

The most delicious-looking thing in that picture is the tablecloth. The most fresh-looking thing in that picture is that giant white unidentifiable object in the corner, but that’s only because it’s probably still alive. I still can’t get over it… what IS that thing? A blob of sour cream? Maybe it’s an albino lemon.

Companies like this need to understand the wants of their customers better. I assume they are trying to market to humans, and they are some kind of food company. If they want a better response and more clicks, they should put a picture of food in their ads. Any food. Not second-hand, pre-chewed lizard mulch. I’m currently browsing creepy third-party ad-blockers with bad grammar because I’d rather have all of the computer viruses than one bite of this olive loaf pudding casserole.

Wait… is it an onion? Did they just package a whole fucking onion into this thing? Jesus Christ.